Who I want to be…

I woke up one morning recently and realized I’m where I always wanted to be. And you know what happened to the girl who got everything she ever wanted? She lived happily ever after. Okay, I might have stolen that line from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s the first thing that popped into my mind. Willy (the Gene Wilder one, not Depp) smiling at Charlie as he broke through the ceiling of the factory and soared above the pain, suffering and despair below him (and now in his past). People tell you to be careful what you wish for but I didn’t just wish myself happy. I didn’t just start to think happy thoughts. I dug deep, cracked open and blossomed. While positive affirmations are a big help, being receptive to change and setting the intention to change is very, very different. I had to shake off things that no longer served me and while it was hard, I did it.

I’ve been thinking about my mom a lot. I became the hippie I am today because of who she was. Her struggles, her anger and her fear were catalysts to make me stronger, gentler and more accepting of myself. That was her greatest gift to me; to allow me to become who I am and accept who I am. Right before she died I was trying to get her to eat something. It was diced pears (the last thing she ate) and she’d have nothing to do with them after one bite. She was looking at me with those tired, tired blue eyes. I now think she was burning my soul into hers so she would recognize it again when she returned. Teasingly I said, "You never thought you’d raise a hippie, did you?" She quickly said, "No!" with almost a proclamation of disbelief. She’d always complained about my food choices (damned hippie) and how I raised my kids. I was (and am!) too soft on them. But I could see she was proud of who I’d become. I hadn’t been a failure after all. And most important, she knew I’d be okay. I had no other option. She had given me all her strength and determination, leaving none for herself.

The past year has been one hell of a journey. Loss, acceptance, new love (not only my partner, but most importantly, love for myself). I have gone on a tremendous journey of self-discovery, tearing down all I thought I should be and welcoming the person I am. So many lessons run through my mind, body and soul. Some seemed to hit me like a brick this morning; others have been brewing and bubbling to the surface one understanding at a time.

· The journey happens whether you like it or not.

· And whether you notice or not. The days tick by and you need to be happy as much as possible. I have bad days–they pass. I have good days–they, too, pass. Each day passes no matter what.

· I try to be as happy as possible and take the sad days as temporary. I am a lot more aware of why I’m unhappy and if I don’t, my years of journaling have allowed me to crack open and get to the heart of the matter. Which is usually my fear of not being enough one way or another.

· I’ve learned to work through the stories I tell myself and put them to rest. Too often I create scenarios on why someone said something or didn’t say something, and bring myself into a dark place. All because of the stories I’ve created in my mind. They are self-inflicted. I used to think it was because I’m a writer, but it’s because I’m human.

· I’ve had a very long journey to get here and while not every day is a success, fewer and fewer are spent in pain.

· When I live my passions, I am at peace. Reading, yoga, nature, writing and research. When I make time and space for these five elements, I am being true to myself and am able to truly feel comfort and solace.

I love who I’ve become and I’m proud as hell that I’ve allowed myself to become her. Her strength, love, understanding and acceptance is beyond what I could have imagined a year ago. I am at peace for the first time in many, many years. I live true to my nature. I am happy!

Namaste.

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